Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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