well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
