So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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