After last night, I could never be a politician.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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