Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
