I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
soo... how was my night?
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