i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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