As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Michael Bay diarrhea
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
