Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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