im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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