Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
