Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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