my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
