His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
