Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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