K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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