you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I wish my penis had an off switch
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
