I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
