I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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