I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
