Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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