I am spending my child support on dildos
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
