I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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