So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
