I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
