He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
