Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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