I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
