A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
