im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
