based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
