my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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