I think I died a long time ago.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
