Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
