So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
