goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
