Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
