I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
