I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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