Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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