bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
