I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
she pinky promised me she was 18
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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