There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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