He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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