just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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