woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Randomize
