When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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