I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
