she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
