You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
