That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
