I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
