I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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